SCUM Certified Agile Master (SCAM) Certification Training
You can choose to take on the title SCUM Certified TM Agile Master, or more colloquially SCAMmer, by passing our two-day certification course. We want to be perfectly clear about this, by taking this “certification course” what we’re certifying is that you attended the course. It is your choice (nod nod, wink wink) if you wish to present yourself as a professional SCAMmer. Yes, about 99.8% of course attendees choose to do this, why would you take the course otherwise?
This course overviews the Huddle agile process framework, a very small part of the overall system delivery process which through clever rhetoric and playing to the prejudices of the developers und program engineers (DUPEs) who attend the course we've made it out to be the only thing that you need to understand about software process. The course also inculcates you to the SCUM Alliance's definitive organizational general mastery of agile (DOGMA).
If this sounds hard then don't worry, the SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist teaching the course will do lots of hand waving around any complex issues which may arise (they may not have any real world experience at agile development anyway). Don't worry, we're training you in a process framework which is little more than consultware anyway.
In short, there's about six hours of material spread out over two days. Furthermore, you could have read it for yourself in about two hours from any number of web sites, but we know you won't do that because you're just too darn lazy and are desperately looking for an easy certification anyway.
This course can only be delivered by a SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist. For a list of SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artists, contact us here.
The cost of the SCAM course varies depending on the Certified SCAM Artist, put typically ranges from $1,395 to $1,995 per DUPE.
First and foremost, you get a certificate indicating that you took the course. You also get a nifty SCUM Alliance binder containing a photocopy of the course materials. Furthermore, at the discretion of the SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist they may choose to give you a complimentary copy of their most recent book that they’ve written, if any. Granted, those SCUM CertifiedTM SCAM Artist have a tendency to charge more for their courses so it more than balances out. You won't get anything free from the likes of us.
But wait, there’s more! After you’ve completed the course we’ll also email you the graphics files for logos that you can use in email signatures and business cards to indicate that you’re a SCAMmer. Remember, this is your choice to do so, we’re merely making these graphics available to enable you to promote the SCAM certification program to your friends and colleagues.
Starting July 1st, 2009 every DUPE will be required to write the Online SCAM Certification Test in addition to taking the SCAM certification training. The certification has been carefully designed by members of the SCUM inner circle to test that you understand key dogma that will only be delivered in the SCAM course, ensuring that all DUPEs are motivated to pay attention in class. In the past there’s been a concern that some DUPE viewed our SCAM program as an easy way to get certification.
Anyone who became a SCAMmer on or after January 1st 2009 will be grand-fathered in and will not be required to write the new test. People who became SCAMmers before January 1st 2009 will be asked to write the test but will not be charged for it. We expect there to be a 98-99% pass rate – as long as you haven’t been foolish enough to publicly question Huddle in a public forum such as the email@example.com mailing list (controlled/administered by the SCUM Alliance) or be a member of the breakaway site implementinghuddle.com then you should be ok.
Yes, this is an April Fool's Day joke. Sadly, this collection of pages is a parody of a very serious ethical lapse within the agile community. I believe that we can do much better. My hope is that this joke has made you step back and think about what's going on around you. Being a "Certified X", whatever X happens to be, implies that you've done something to earn that certification. If you've done very little to earn a certification then at best that's what your certification is worth: very little. If you're involved in a questionable certification scheme, regardless of whatever justifications that you tell yourself you have still shamed both yourself and your so-called profession. If you turn a blind eye to people who claim to be "certified masters" after doing almost nothing to earn that certification then you too are complicit: As Edmund Burke first said, all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. I invite everyone in the agile community to read Ethics for the Real World and to stand up and show some integrity -- Until then, our integrity debt will continue to grow. Enough is enough.
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