Certified SCAM Artist FAQ
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Why "Certified SCAM Artist"?

Being agilists we need to rename everything.  So, although the term instructor is perfectly accurate we couldn't possibly use it.  Luckily, software development really does seem to be more art than science, and because artists create art, it only makes sense that we have the role of artist somewhere in the agile lexicon.  So, the SCUM Alliance has decided that anyone certified to teach the SCUM Certified^TM Agile Master (SCAM) course will be referred to as a SCUM Certified^TM SCAM Artist, not a Certified SCAM Trainer or Certified SCAM Instructor.

What Does a Certified SCAM Artist Do?

1. Publicly display blind faith to the Huddle methodology and the material contained in the SCUM Certified Agile Master (SCAM) training course.
2. Repeat the SCUM Alliance definitive organizational general mastery of agile (DOGMA) to anyone willing to pay to listen to it.
3. Rake in $ from the developers und programming engineers (DUPEs) taking the SCAM course.
4. Pay the SCUM tithe of $100 per DUPE to which they have given SCAM training.  Payments are made to the SCUM Alliance at the end of each month.

Why Become a Certified SCAM Artist?

There's an incredible amount of money to be made charging people to become SCAMmers.

What Will the SCUM Alliance Do For You?

1. Collect your SCUM tithe.
2. Ensure that all Certified SCAM Artists toe the line when it comes to SCUM Certified^TM DOGMA.  See the section on excommunication below.
3. Control and direct the conversation about Huddle and related issues.
4. Provide you with training materials around Huddle and related DOGMA.

Who is Qualified to Become a Certified SCAM Artist?

Got a pulse?  Want to make lots of money?  Do you have a weak sense of ethics?  Willing to cut us checks on a regular basis?  If you answered yes to all of these questions then you're qualified.

How Can You Become a Certified SCAM Artist?

There are several critical steps to becoming a SCUM Certified ^TM SCAM artist:

1. Become a signatory of the Software Graftsmanship Manifesto.
2. Become a SCAMmer by taking the SCUM Certified Agile Master (SCAM) course.
3. Attend one of the SCUM Alliance's quarterly SCAM Artist Indoctrination camps.  $2500.
4. Pay a fee of $7,500 to the SCUM Alliance to allow you the honor of being a SCUM Certified^TM SCAM Artist for a period of three years (barring excommunication of course). Included as part of this fee is your $50 annual SCUM membership fee.

How Can You Be Excommunicated?

There are three reasons why one a SCUM Certified^TM SCAM Artist can be excommunicated from the SCUM Alliance.

1. Question the authority of the SCUM Alliance in all things agile.  Toe the line and you should be fine.
2. Question the DOGMA contained in the SCUM Certified Agile Master (SCAM) course material.  Once again, toe the line and you should be fine.
3. Fail to pay your SCUM tithe on time and in full.  The primary reason why the SCUM Alliance exists is to milk people of as much money as we can, and we don't take kindly to people who hold back on us.

Parting Thoughts

Yes, this is an April Fool's Day joke.  Sadly, this collection of pages is a parody of a very serious ethical lapse within the agile community.  I believe that we can do much better.   My hope is that this joke has made you step back and think about what's going on around you. Being a "Certified X", whatever X happens to be, implies that you've done something to earn that certification. If you've done very little to earn a certification then at best that's what your certification is worth: very little.  If you're involved in a questionable certification scheme, regardless of whatever justifications that you tell yourself you have still shamed both yourself and your so-called profession.  If you turn a blind eye to people who claim to be "certified masters" after doing almost nothing to earn that certification then you too are complicit: As Edmund Burke first said, all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.  I invite everyone in the agile community to read Ethics for the Real World and to stand up and show some integrity -- Until then, our integrity debt will continue to grow.  Enough is enough.

Copyright © 2009 Scott W. Ambler Agile Data (AD)  |  Agile Modeling (AM)  |  Agile Unified Process (AUP)  |  Enterprise Unified Process (EUP)